[Dumbsclaimer: This piece of gaming satire does not reflect opinions of any specific individual or this website as a whole. Reported incidents did not actually happen.]
Steverson “Stevie” Townsen of Ridgewold, Maine is an all-physical gamer all the time, and he’ll be the first to tell you so. He’s never purchased a single piece of DLC, let alone a digital copy of a game. If you ever mention a digital deal you got, you can bet Stevie’s right there to tell you how he found it cheaper in a bargain bin and blah blah that’s all you’ll hear before you imagine shoving a sock into his mouth.
Around his hometown, Stevie has long been known for an impressive game shelf and needing to cool his fucking jets, but now, people worldwide are becoming familiar with his all-physical preference, whether they give a shit or not.
Alerted to his grandson’s reputation by a newspaper op-ed, Stevie’s grandfather said, “It’s comforting to know that in this economy, hard drive space won’t be an issue for Stevie and his family. But speaking as one who got routinely spanked as a youth, I have to say that Stevie is about two digital gaming slams away from having his mouth shut for him.”
Unlike the used percentage of Stevie’s PS4 hard drive, this story gets bigger.
Today, GameStop President John GameStop said in a statement:“We appreciate the business of every single customer who walks through our doors, especially Stevie Townsen. We’re glad to see him at every midnight launch party, we just wish he’d shut the fuck up sometimes.”
John GameStop continued:
“GameStop, along with countless independent video game dealers across the globe depend on walk-in customers and physical game sales, but we also need our sanity. Steverson Townsen is welcome to shop with us any time, but it’s our highest hope that he’ll not be such a douche about it.”
Townsen was immediately available for comment — many of them — but our sources say he was utterly intolerable.
Best of 2016 Game Awards - PSN
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Best of 2016 Game Awards - PSN
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Inside
How can Playdead follow up its critically acclaimed game, Limbo? Well, it seems, rather spectacularly! Inside is not only a puzzle/horror game, it's one that will leave you asking questions long after it's done.
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Firewatch
Through the combination of a simplistic but phenomenally effective art style and some incredibly fluid dialogue sequences, Firewatch proves itself time and time again as one of the most memorable games we are likely to play in a long while. It’s poignant and very special, albeit disappointingly choppy at times. It may feel a touch short, but its story will feel firmly finished upon reflection, remaining naturally entombed in the Wyoming woods. This is a rare game that tackles strong morals and emotions under the guise of a beautiful walk through the wilderness that always manages to keep you on your toes, a walk you’ll be hard pressed to ever forget.
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The Witness
"An adventure on the island also becomes an adventure of self discovery. The Witness uses an asset long available but largely forgotten to most developers: the player’s mind. It requires discovery, perception, and real power of the mind, something decidedly missing from modern gaming as we gain more and more technological capability. This primordial approach is The Witness‘ biggest asset.
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Valley
Valley exhibits the finest balance of gameplay and story I have ever experienced in this genre. It’s not a walking simulator, it’s not a platformer, and it definitely doesn’t have a story that is thrown together. Valley won’t speak to just one type of gamer; it will strike a chord with all walks, especially since gamers can make it as challenging as they wish. It's this amazing balance, as well as gorgeous environment and deep story, that warrants Valley a nod in the game of the year discussions.
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Alienation
Alienation is another extremely polished game from Housemarque that takes well known game mechanics and combines them in unconventional ways for an experience that is not only satisfying to play on the surface, but has a layer of depth that most other twin-stick shooters cannot claim.
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And the winner is...
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Winner - Inside
What else needs to be said about Inside? It's not only one of this year's best PSN games, it's one of the best games on any platform. Seriously, go give this a go -- you won't regret it.
